baby step

I weighed myself today. I am down two pounds from last time I weighed. Not much. This is rather frustrating since, in my view, I've been doing so well food wise. I haven't been vigorously exercising but I've been moving more than i was a week ago. I just have to remind myself that it's not about weight loss as much as it is about being healthy and feeling better. And I do feel better. Last night I went to bed without taking a Lorazapam, which I normally take to help me sleep. I haven't felt as anxious or stressed so I decided to try a night without it. I fell asleep quickly and slept well. I was also able to find a state of awakeness much easier this morning than on previous mornings. I assume this is due to not taking the pill. I've added iced green tea to my day, starting today. I read that its benefits are numerous and I need all the help I can get.

Surviving the weekend

I actually did well this weekend. I got lots of natural exercise when Angela and I went canoeing for a few hours. We also spend Sunday working on the yard which had to have burned some calories! I had two beers Friday night when we went to sit on the deck at the blue rose. I also had some chips and salsa BUT as an entree we split a veggie burger. I also opted for a veggie burger at family dinner last night. I saw on a movie ( I forget which one ) that if you drink a liter or two of water first thing in the morning, before you eat, you can flush out more fat and toxins that way. So far I've done well in that endeavor. It's a little bit of a struggle sometimes, but I'm only aiming for the 1 liter mark for now. I tried tofu ice cream this weekend in the form of soemthing called "Little Cuties." It was really good. The little "ice cream" sandwiches were about half the size of a normal ice cream sandwich and made of tofu instead of dairy but they were really good. It did have sugar in it so I wont be eating them often. I'm feeling more energetic and happier. A little calmer as well. My cravings aren't strong at all right now. Yay!

Never say never

So today my head feels somewhat bettter. My head hurts some but not nearly as intensely as it has. I also had more energy today. I was not tempted to take a lunchtime nap and i came home from work and putzed around in the yard for a while before Angela and I went to Gary's for dinner. Dinner. Yeah. So Gary had manwhiches and potato salad for dinner. I have decided that this is ok. I think, in order for me to survive this transition, I have to just decide to not say NEVER or ALWAYS when thinking of my food plan. I can't say i will never eat meat or dairy or that I will ALWAYS eat a certain amount of vegetables. When I find my self starting to panic a little (and yes I do panic a little over the thought of not eating sugar) I say, " it's ok, it's not forever, it's just for right now." That helps me immensely. Today I had a whole grain waffle and sugar free syrup for breakfast, a fat free yogurt and a nectarine for lunch and lots of water. I want to pick up a set of hand weights so that my arms can sneak in a workout without my body even really noticing.

It gets worse before it gets better..

Last night I was in bed before 8:00. This was in part due to exhaustion and in part to a killer headache. I can't seem to shake the headache. No medicine will touch it. I'm having a difficult time focusing.... my mind AND my eyes. My concentration is shot. I wish I had done this in the summer when I could sleep and rest all day as my body gets rid of all the toxins. Some things I've read tell me I shouldn't stopp all the junk food at once or my withdrawal symptoms will be worse. I also read that I should find a support system. My friend Katie and I are supporting each other through similar situations. Unfortunately, Katie lives in Australia.
I am on my lunch break at work now. I ate a yogurt ( yes, it has animal product in it) and a plum, some carrots and a few whole grain crackers. I am tempted to take a nap but am not sure how I will feel when I have to wake up and get back to work. Maybe worse, maybe not. I just keep telling myself that I will feel so much better in a couple weeks. I hope this is true. Keeping my fingers crossed...

be easy on yourself

It's coming back to me, the last time I tried something like this, that the advice I found was "be easy on yourself." Don't over work or overstress because your body is going through some serious change inside. My head hurts so bad. I'm tired and queasy and bitchy.
I weighed myself today and I've hit an all time high of 183. Nice. I'm bitchy and in pain and fat. Sigh....

feeling bleh..

It's almost 10:30. I feel sluggish, tired, queasy and have a headache. This is a time I would normally swear that all I need is a burger and fries and pop and I would feel better. Are these withdrawal symptoms? This is one thing I found online:
" The body literally becomes addicted to a food substance because of the chemicals that are released in the brain after that substance is internalized. Before long the body needs these chemicals to maintain normal functioning and going without them can cause a range of physical and psychological symptoms - from something as simple as cravings to symptoms as severe as depression and illness."

Day one?

I managed to survive today! I had special k cereal with soy milk for breakfast, greek yogurt and an apple for lunch and Tofu veggie something or another at a Thai restaurant with Angela. The yogurt, obviously, is animal based. I am not taking on a label of vegeterian or vegan or pescatarian, I'm just making improvements one day at a time. Today's temptations included, "There are snacks in the teachers's lounge including brownies" and " Here is a thank you for attending the A+ art conference this weekend" (a baggie of peanuts and candy corn) I passed the treats out to my class and avoided the teacher's lounge today. I drank most of one diet pepsi around 1:00, trying to avoid the caffeine headache. Otherwise, I drank only water today. Angela and I went for a long walk with Kieran to the park and around the pond. On the way home from work I talked to Olivia for a long time. She knows all the ins and outs of healthy living, her being a dancer and all. She was very encouraging, which also helps. Tomorrow I'm going to weigh myself so that I can keep track of my progress. I will also be taking notes of my various aches and pains and other issues as they improve. Stay tuned!

Chasing down the facts

Today I'm watching "Forks over Knives". It is a documentary about exactly the problems I am dealing with. I'm hoping that hearing and seeing the facts over and over again will help me to take the steps I need to take to improve my health. Hippocrates said "Let food be thy medicine" over two thousand years ago, so this isn't new. What's new, to me, is how bad and unnecessary animal based foods are to humans.
One quote from this show, from a man at risk for heart attack, stroke and other issues, hit home with me... " I don't eat to live, I live to eat." When I think of NOT having the processed foods, high in sugar and fat, I feel panicky and depressed all at once. When I give in and eat those things I feel a calm come over me. It is like drugs or alcohol. I need my "fix."
Knowing all these things and acting on them are two very different things. As I try to come off of sugar, fat, processed foods, I know I will be bitchy, tired, depressed and anti-social. If I was coming off drugs or alcohol people would understand this, but to say, "I'm being a bitch because I didn't have a donut and diet pepsi for breakfast," well, people just don't get that. I haven't started yet. I hope to start soon. My diet is killing me slowly.

Admitting you have a problem...

I have recently determined that I am definitely addicted to food. I read about food addiction, especially sugar addiction, and i see myself reflected in articles. I am an intelligent person. I know the risks of being overweight, the array of illnesses that are awaiting me if I don't change things now. I also know HOW to do it. I know what to eat and how to exercise. It isn't ignorance that keeps me weighed down with the layers of fat that increasingly encase my body. And they DO encase my body... I have begun to picture my heart and other organs surrounded by fat, and having their arteries clogged with cholesterol... trying to function on a daily basis. In addition to hating the way I LOOK, I'm starting to despise the way I feel. I have a number of issues that I believe may be weight related... my hips hurt all the time, I've got feet pain that makes me walk like I"m 80 years old sometimes, I'm tired and have no energy, I have high cholesterol. When I know I'm not going to get the high sugar/high fat foods I'm craving, I get nervous, anxious. I can't concentrate on what I'm supposed to be doing... I just think about wanting a donut. I rarely drink water. I drink at least 60 ounces of diet soda every day. I've recently noticed that my feet have starting sweating. They never used to sweat. Now, even in flip flops on a cool day, my feet are soaked. My shoes have started to have an odor, where they never did before. When I research caused of sweaty feet I see two options that fit me: Anxiety and toxin release. Apparently when you don't exercise enough your feet can start to sweat to release the toxins that are building up in our body. And it's no news that I have some depression and anxiety issues.... they are made worse when I don't like the way I look. I don't feel attractive or healthy. This makes me depressed. I want to just crawl in bed and stay there... which of course makes me gain weight and crave more sugar.... It's a vicious cycle that I can't seem to break. I've recently watched a few shows on eating plant based foods and whole grains... staying away from the processed food. I did something similar for a while and did feel better than I ever have in my life. It did't last long, however, before I was giving in to those cravings for sugar and fat and caffeine. When stressful times arise in my life, my first defense is food. And then I'm right back to the cycle. It is my intention to break this addiction. Here, in the blog, I hope to record my thoughts so that I may see patterns and think things through clearly.